Around You
by Disdain.in.the.membrane
Summary: Nagisa flirts with other people and Rei does not know how to react.
1. Take Me or Leave Me

**Take Me or Leave Me**

Rei felt his hair stand at the ends, bristling with anger. His face was bright red as he clenched his fists. His pride was the only thing holding him back in the moment. Holding his chest out in pride, Rei lifted his head. He sniffed back the tears that began to touch his eyelids, daring for an escape.

He couldn't do this. Not today. It was their anniversary for fucks sake. Their anniversary.

And Nagisa was shamelessly flirting with the waiter right in front of him. He watched in pure horror as Nagisa's hand lightly tapped the waiter's shoulder. The blond leaned in, listening to something that the waiter said, laughing in response even though it wasn't funny. Nagisa twirled a finger through his hair. He spoke and winked at his own joke.

Shameless, Rei thought. Completely and utterly disgusted with the scene before him, he quietly finished his meal. Nagisa asked for dessert, and Rei had waved his hand. Looking out the window, he silently allowed his boyfriend to pick out the sweet dessert of his choice. And with all of his might he tried to ignore the bubbly laughter that filled the air between the waiter and his partner.

It was hard to ignore.

It was hardly the first time.

Rei was left to his own thoughts. Brought back to every occasion which Nagisa had flirted in front of him to other people. Boys, girls, it never mattered.

It wasn't like Rei didn't understand that Nagisa was friendly. He knew that the shorter boy was overly touchy. But with most people Nagisa kept it to a minimum. Only light contact and laughter.

The first time Rei caught on to the flirting made him blush along with it. But then Rei caught on to the lingering hand on the other person, the lower voice, the way Nagisa leaned in before winking.

The first time was with a girl. It made Rei question his aesthetical appearance as a male partner. But when the female was removed from the situation, Nagisa's attention was all on Rei. He was clinging onto his hand and kissing his cheek. It annoyed Rei at first.

Then the second and third time happened. With the same actions. One was with a stranger at the bookstore, and another was at a play. He brought up the situation both times. Nagisa denied the second time, but admitted to finding the third person attractive.

"I don't mean it," Nagisa blushed. He punched Rei's arm and it had little force behind it. Rei acted as if it did.

It was better than admitting that his heart hurt more.

The fourth time Nagisa had flirted in front of him was with a girl. They bumped into each other at the train station, and Nagisa had bowed furiously. The girl was pretty, Rei could admit that much. But then Nagisa started his usual flirty actions. He helped gather her things, then made jokes and winked. His arm lingered as he held her up. Then he leaned in, almost as if to give her a kiss. He whispered something that made her giggle. She playfully pushed him away and he was left behind laughing.

Rei never found out what he said. All he knows is that he didn't let go of Nagisa's hand the rest of the night. He was overly clingy. He felt his stomach knot and his chest flutter with an unfamiliar feeling. He anxiously rubbed his collarbone, trying to rid himself of the feeling, as he asked to stay the night.

They made love that night, fiercely. Rei barely had time to remove his boyfriend's clothing. He felt as though he had a limited amount of time with the boy. He wanted to forever remember the way his nails dug into his back. The noises Nagisa made, and the way his chest heaved. It was all so beautiful and all Rei's doing. He felt loved.

But now he felt the same tightening in his chest that he had before. The ugly feeling of jealously raising in his belly. He watched the way Nagisa leaned onto his elbows, to make casual conversation. The blush on his partner's cheeks rising, not sure if it was the wine or the waiter making it so. But Nagisa blushed, and his eyes were bright and focused on the actions of the other boy, nameless in Rei's mind. But Nagisa kept using his name, and then would laugh and try to move his hair out of his face. That action, Rei had thought, was just reserved for him. Oh, how he was wrong.

Rei never wished for a dinner to be over so early before now.

Nagisa held contact with the waiter's hands as he was handed the check. His lips puckered out, making his already plump lips look desirable.

Feeling warm with rage, Rei paid. He rushed Nagisa out of the restaurant, but didn't fail to catch the wave at the other boy. The waiter shyly waved back. And that's when Rei lost it. He didn't care that he was in public. He felt humiliated.

"I can't believe you would be so shameless," He yelled. He knew how ugly he must look under the bad street lighting. But he continued, "You're shamless! Flirting with strangers all the time. It's disgusting. Filthy," The last of his words stretched out in an airy breath.

Panting, Rei sighed. "I'm sorry," Rei rubbed his forehead.

Seeing guests too frightened to enter the restaurant, he moved to the side. His arm stretched out and Nagisa followed. They walked to Nagisa's home in silence.

"I'm sorry," Nagisa stared at his feet.

Rei felt his blood boil, and he didn't know why. "Why?" He snapped, "For being a slut?"

Nagisa, appalled, backed away. Tears brewing at the corners of his eyes, he turned away. The slam of the front door echoing through Rei's ears.

And Rei being left alone with the ugly, tightening feeling in his chest.

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><p><strong>Had this in my head for 2 months. A chapter or 2 left.<strong>


	2. Losing

**Upside Down and Around 2**

Curling up in bed, Rei couldn't get to sleep. He felt feverish. Blaming the wine he drank, he tossed off the covers. Feeling the cool breeze of the night air did nothing to change his current state. Stretching, Rei got out of bed and fixed the sheets. He turned on the lights of his single room apartment and looked at the emptiness.

It looked dirty.

Rei spent the remainder of the night scrubbing the corners of the floorboards and vacuuming nonexistent dust. The soft hum of the vacuum tuned out his thoughts of the events earlier.

Remembering the way Nagisa looked up at him. The way the soft features of his face a scrunched up, tears forming in his eyes. Nagisa's reddening cheeks as he tried to hold back his emotions. Mouth hung open, debating on what to respond with.

With a quick switch of the off button, Rei figured he was done vacuuming. Guilt plagued his mind.

Turning to the clock he saw it was now four in the morning. Still too early to get ready for the day. Knowing he wasn't going to get any sleep, Rei decided to turn on some classical music and read. It was leisure reading, a novel Nagisa had let him borrow.

It made him sick to his stomach.

Slamming the book shut, Rei let out a sigh. He was still mad. Outraged, even, but not at Nagisa. He was mad that he would allow such ugly jealousy to lead his actions. It was unbefitting of him.

Laying back onto his his bed, he stared blankly at the ceiling. It could use some cleaning he supposed.


	3. Tears

**Upside Down and Around 3**

Nagisa ran into his apartment and cried right when he shut the door. On the sofa sat his sister and her boyfriend, who were watching television. His sister stared wide eyed at the door, surprised that he was home so early. When she saw his crying face she immediately rushed to his side.

She didn't speak as she coaxed him over to the couch. Her boyfriend, a shy man who sort of reminded Nagisa of Haru, turned off the television. Nagisa plopped down on the couch and pulled his knees to his chest.

He cried until it hurt to breathe.

"Feeling better now?" His sister rubbed his back.

Nagisa shook his head. He never imagined such pain before. He didn't want to feel any of it. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want that awful memory of Rei yelling, he didn't want the awkward looks from his sister and her boyfriend. He wanted a time machine.

He wanted Rei to love him.

"You want to watch a movie with us?" His sister's Haru-like boyfriend asked. It was the second time he head the guy speak in over a year. If he was feeling better, he would've made a joke about it. But not tonight.

Tonight Nagisa shook his head. He was tired.

The two left Nagisa to pick himself up. He smiled and waved a goodnight to them. And he hummed all the way to his room. Removing his clothes, he focused in on his picture frames. Almost all of them had Rei in them.

He broke down all over again.

How could Rei be so cruel? How could he be so cruel to hurt Rei?

Nagisa sniffled as he picked up the frame on his desk. The picture was a rare depiction of how sweet Rei could be. Nagisa remembered it perfectly.

They had just graduated and were walking hand in hand to Rei's house. Rei's family wasn't entirely against their relationship. They just hadn't met Nagisa yet. They needed time to approve of their son's choices. His mom had immediately taken a liking to the blond. She found him to be the cutest thing. His father, however, kept glaring at them.

Rei had said he expected that to happen, Nagisa had to remind himself. But what they didn't expect is to have Rei's father want to take pictures.

"It's to commemorate this joyous occasion," His father spoke loudly. Nagisa knew that's where Rei got his voice.

The family huddled together and took a few photos. Then his parents took some. And, through push and shove, Rei agreed to take a picture with Nagisa. It was a bold move on Rei's part, to kiss his boyfriend's cheek in front of his parents.

Nagisa still remembered the laughter that followed as Rei excused himself to the bathroom. It was such a warm feeling.

Now Nagisa was left cold.

He tossed the photo onto the carpeted floor, the frame bouncing and leaving a small crack at the corner.

It was so cold, Nagisa thought, as he fell into bed. He wrapped the covers around him, making a cocoon. It was his safety net from the harsh emotions. From the ugly words, the awkward glances, the happy laughter.

Nagisa never wanted to get out of bed.

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><p><strong>I'm sad and tired. <strong>**You ever have someone you love call you an ugly name? That's how Nagisa feels. Like garbage. **

**Rei feels pretty shitty too though.**

**Some sex, reconciliation, and emotions next. Not in that order. Maybe. Idk.**


	4. Mistake

**Mistake**

Rei picked up his phone for the first time in three weeks. He had a few messages from Makoto and Rin, but none from Nagisa. He scrolled through the few emails he had from his friends. Makoto was asking about school and Rin left a message asking about what happened between Nagisa and him. Rei didn't feel like responding. Knowing Nagisa, he probably already told their friends about the mess Rei made.

Sitting in class, Rei mindlessly scrolled through his pictures. The professor was already late and it was making him frustrated. Bouncing his foot, he looked up expectantly at the door when another student walked in. Turning back to his phone, he landed on a photo of him and Nagisa. Quickly exiting out he moved to his contacts. He scrolled through and paused over Nagisa's name.

Would it be wrong to just check up on him? They left things off on such a bad note. It made Rei feel sick and uneasy all over again. He pushed up his glasses, and clicked on Nagisa's name.

An email wouldn't hurt.

Just when he was about to type his message the teacher's aide walked in. She explained to the class that the professor had a sudden emergency and class was cancelled.

Gathering his things, Rei cancelled his message. It wasn't worth the time. He put his backpack on and walked out of the room. Looking up at the clock on the wall, he saw it was still early in the afternoon. He could easily take the train over to see Nagisa if he chose to do so. He needed to apologize.

"Ryugazaki-san," A voice gasped.

Rei turned to the man in front of him, taking a moment to register who it was. "Sera-senpai!" He smiled at his old track captain.

"I knew you went here, just didn't expect to see you," Sera explained.

Rei pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Well," He anxiously glanced at the time, "my class just cancelled."

Sera mimicked the motion, smiling, "So you're free?"

Surprised, Rei looked to the floor. He nodded, feeling his stomach turn more with uneasiness. Sera invited him to have lunch at a nearby restaurant.

The two ended up talking about school mainly. And their jobs were brought up through some of the conversation. Sera paid for the meal, much to Rei's attempts to split the bill. He didn't like the idea of having a person who he had history with pay for him.

While getting the bill back, Sera asked the question Rei dreaded, "How's things with Hazuki-kun?"

Rei looked at his empty plate, opting to not respond. Sera instantly took the message, "What about stopping by my place?"

Looking up, Rei sputtered out a, "W-what?"

"Nothing weird, just," Now it was Sera's turn to look down at his plate, "you look like you need to talk."

And Rei really did. But he knew, deep down, he shouldn't go with Sera. They had history together. Sera was his first kiss. Sera had admitted years before that he had fallen in love with Rei. To which Rei responded with a cool, "School comes first."

Rei remembers how heartbroken Sera was when he found out Rei was dating Nagisa. And now he was asking to help with his relationship problems. And Rei was desperate. He was lonely.

So he agreed.

It had been so long since he actually communicated with another human, Rei realized. All of his emotions seemed to bunch up in the back of his throat. And he let it all out once he stepped foot into Sera's apartment.

They sat on the couch and Sera rubbed his back, as he so messily explained his situation. How he had yelled at Nagisa in such an ugly manner. He told Sera how he had been so mad with himself about not being able to contact his own boyfriend, if they were even still in a relationship. He felt nauseous by the end of his rant.

Finishing his story with a few sniffles, he turned away. "I'm so sorry," Rei pushed his glasses up, "this is really unattractive."

"It's fine," Sera reassured him. And it sickened Rei how easily that reassurance made him smile. "Let's watch a movie," Sera got up to go to his pile of films. He put on the first movie he grabbed, which turned out to be a cartoon.

Laughing, Sera smiled to Rei, "Sorry if it isn't your taste. My sister was here the other day and left it behind."

Rei stayed quiet, embarrassed from crying. He stared straight at the movie. But he couldn't focus on one thing. Everything seemed to move too fast. Rei was so tired. When was the last time he had a full night of sleep? His sleep schedule was off, he knew. It was messing with his brain now. Especially now. Rei shifted, only now realizing how close he sat to Sera.

Human contact.

Rei dropped his forehead onto Sera's shoulder. He felt the older boy freeze under his touch before calmly wrapping an arm around him. Rei curled into the warmth Sera's body emanated. He looked up to Sera, tears still in his eyes. Sera looked down at him and slightly pulled away.

The movie was long forgotten. Now background noise to both boys. Guilt tugged at Rei's stomach. The type of guilt he wanted stopped. Was it guilt? Maybe it was his lunch. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. Nagisa was the one to always remind him to eat.

Gulping, Rei leaned forward, feeling Sera's hot breath against his lips. Sera kissed him. And Rei returned the kiss. They pulled apart slowly. Heavy lidded, Rei looked up to see a flushed Sera. Rei wrapped his arms around Sera and brought him closer into a deeper kiss.

It wasn't long before Rei found himself on his back with his pants down. A hand on his dick that wasn't his own, and his hand tugging at one that wasn't his. He sloppily jacked off Sera. His free hand curled to the back of Sera's head, pulling at his short hair. Panting, Rei bucked his hips up into the touch. He hadn't been touched like this in a month.

Moans and wet kisses echoed through the small apartment room. Rei felt Sera shudder into his touch, twitching before coming. Rei continued to stroke, feeling his own orgasm roll through his body. His belly clenched before he came into Sera's hand.

"N-Nagisa," He moaned into his partner's mouth.

Quickly realizing his mistake, Rei pulled away. He hastily pulled up his slacks. Belt clinging, lips still wet and swollen from kissing.

Fuck, Rei thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

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><p><strong>I'm a drunken mess. Have this porn. Not NagiRei. Buuuut i am a trash can.<strong>


	5. I Will

**I Will**

Nagisa rolled onto his back, phone in hand, sighing. His free arm clung tightly onto his pillow, holding it close to his body. He scrolled passed Rei's name. Not wanting to feel the familiar ache in his stomach.

He felt it anyway.

After not talking to Rei for almost a month, he was feeling sick. It was all from bottled up rage, he knew. But he wasn't about to call Rei up just to yell. Rei had to apologize. Nagisa wasn't going to fall into the hole that Rei dug.

Rolling onto his side, Nagisa clung tighter onto the pillow. He hovered over Rei's name. Maybe a month without talking to each other helped Rei figure something out. It helped Nagisa figure his own personal matters out.

He knew he flirted openly with other people. But he didn't know that it had an effect on Rei. So when Rei went off on him, as wrong as it had been, Nagisa saw where he was coming from. Rei just needed to apologize. He just needed to say that he was wrong to yell and insult Nagisa like that. Then they could talk about it.

Or at least that's what Makoto had said when he went crying to him and Haru. In their conversation he had Makoto and Rin (over skype) help make reason of the fight. Haru chimed in at the end to tell him to just talk to Rei. Which was easier said than done.

Nagisa missed Rei.

Closing his eyes, he dialed Rei's number. Rei picked up after the second ring, voice strained as it greeted him.

"I'm so sorry," Rei's voice shook into the receiver.

Nagisa smiled. He missed Rei's voice. "Come over," Nagisa fiddled with his bed sheets. He should probably clean them before inviting his boyfriend over.

Rei agreed and quickly hung up.

That left Nagisa time to take a quick shower. Standing under the hot water, he couldn't remember when the last time he actually bathed was. He had fallen asleep in the bath after drinking with his sister a few nights ago. Frustrated by his childish actions, he scrubbed his skin raw.

He ended up greeting Rei in his underwear. Hastily throwing on a shirt. Thankful that his sister was out for the day, Nagisa threw his towel down over the small puddle of water that formed from his sloppy drying. He kicked it around, cleaning, as he invited Rei inside.

Rei, ever so proper, glanced around the small apartment. Eyes trying not to shamelessly travel to Nagisa's bare legs. "How have you been?" Rei coughed.

"I've been," Nagisa picked up the towel. He lead them to his bedroom and sat on the bed.

Rei shut the door behind them. "Nagisa," Rei rubbed his hands together anxiously, "I'm so sorry."

Nagisa hopped up from the bed, "Hey, look at me," He cupped his hands around Rei's cheeks, "I forgive you."

"No," Rei pulled out of Nagisa's grip, "it's wrong. I'm awful. What I said. What I did."

Fingers lightly brushed Rei's cheek, "You're forgiven." Nagisa smiled up at the taller boy. Blushing, he continued, "It's my fault for not considering your feelings and junk."

"Nagisa," Rei placed his hands stiffly onto his boyfriend's shoulders. Tears threatened to escape. It was already an unattractive look, with the deep bags under his eyes.

Figuring he had enough torture, Nagisa leaned into kiss Rei. Who seemed surprise by the affection. "I love you, Rei-chan."

Nagisa practically dragged Rei to his bed so they could get comfortable. "I've been unfair to your feelings, haven't I?" Rei shook his head, tears slowly falling down his cheeks. "I know I flirt, but that gave you no right to say such mean things, Rei-chan." Nagisa lifted Rei's head up.

Rei stared, tears falling on his face, lips quivering with words unspoken. Again, he shook his head.

Taking that as forgiveness Nagisa hugged him. "I love you," He whispered.

"I love you too," Rei wrapped his hands tightly around Nagisa. "I love you so much," He sobbed. Voice cracking as he spoke, "I love you."

Eyes wide and wet with tears, Nagisa looked up at Rei. Slowly, their lips met. And soon they found each other rediscovering each other's mouths. Tongues not waiting to test the waters as they shamelessly pulled each other closer. Rei whined like a wounded animal into Nagisa's mouth. Nagisa noticed how stiff and anxious he still was. He could fix that easily.

Nagisa was the first to part from the kiss. He pulled off his shirt and coaxed Rei into letting him unbutton his. "I love you," He kissed down Rei's exposed chest. Looking back up, he saw Rei had stopped crying and was now transfixed by whatever it was Nagisa had planned. He heard a sharp inhale as he unbuckled Rei's belt, slowly moving his pants and underwear down.

"It's okay, Butterfly," Nagisa cooed seeing Rei's flaccid penis. He knew Rei couldn't get hard while he was still so emotional.

In one swift motion, Nagisa put Rei's soft dick into his mouth. Rei moaned, and he felt him begin to harden into the touch. Rei tugged at Nagisa's hair, enjoying the way the blond moved his tongue against his member.

But as fast as it had begun, it ended. Nagisa was pulled off of Rei's now hard dick. He looked straight into Rei's eyes, mouth still hung open all wet and plump.

"Let me," Nagisa ran his hand up Rei's shaft.

Rei shook his head, holding onto the smaller boy's hand. Nagisa immediately released his grip. They sat in silence as Nagisa watched tears reform at the corners of Rei's eyes.

"I saw Sera," Rei began.

Nagisa sat back, "You're ex?"

"We aren't," Rei spluttered, "We didn't."

"You did."

"Nagisa, I am so so-" Rei had a small hand shoved into his face.

"No, fuck you. What did you do? Did he fuck you? Did you like it?" Nagisa spat out. Words hitting each syllable, he stood up.

Rei shrunk into himself, "We didn't do that."

The softness of his tone made Nagisa stop fuming for a moment to only stare at Rei. He waited for him to continue.

"I kissed him," Rei looked up at Nagisa. "And..."

"And?"

"I am so sorry, Nagisa."

Nagisa suddenly felt really sick. He wanted to run. He wanted to go back in time. Was this his fault? Did he deserve this? The room was spinning. His ears rung with a soft, repeated "sorry" that Rei chanted. Exhausted and hurt, Nagisa crawled back onto his bed. He lay facing the wall, his back turned to Rei.

"Leave," His voice was stern. Eyes burning from the tears he wasn't allowing out yet.

"Nagisa," Rei touched his shoulder.

Nagisa lost his patience at the hand on his shoulder. It was dirty. It made Nagisa feel dirty. Like a cheap throw away. He was tired and his body ached. He missed Rei so much, but apparently Rei found an easy replacement. Nagisa was replaceable.

"Look fucking here, Rei," Nagisa sat back up making Rei hop off the bed, "I waited for you to apologize. I cried so much. I know what I've done is wrong, and you don't have to forgive me for that. But," Nagisa felt the tears pour out of his eyes, "you- with another man, Rei-chan!" Nagisa sat on the bed in his underwear and cried in front of a crying, undressed Rei.

"I love you," Nagisa wiped his face off with his hands. "I just can't forgive this, Rei-chan."

"I love you too, Nagisa." Rei pushed his glasses up. "Are we," Rei couldn't finish the sentence. He didn't have to.

Nagisa nodded, understanding. He turned back to face the wall as Rei fixed his clothes before leaving. Both were silent, but no longer crying. The atmosphere was too thick, too heavy with emotion to say anything. He heard the door open.

"Rei," He didn't have to look to know that Rei placed his full attention onto Nagisa's back, "I don't regret... us." Rei didn't respond.

Instead, he shut the door. Nagisa listened as he left the apartment, leaving him all alone. Hearing the front door close, Nagisa let go. Overwhelmed, he sobbed into his pillow.

And continued to do so. His sister came home an hour later, take-out dinner in hand, to Nagisa curled up in his bed. She sat with him as he forced down the meal, still sitting in his underwear. He was happy that she didn't ask too many questions. He couldn't answer without crying all over again.

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><p><strong>I Will by Brandi Carlile. Sorry not sorry. This all leads up to my favorite au. because i a garbage.<strong>

**thank you for reading! hugs and kisses.**


	6. If You Take a Wrong

**If You Take a Wrong**

The thing about break-ups, Rei discovered, is that people keep asking about it. And each time the wound gets reopened with each question. But then one day it gets alright. And Rei finds himself answering without feeling guilt tug at his gut from knowing it was his fault. From having to explain to his friends that he really messed up. Rei was okay.

He was going from work to school. Almost ready to get into a nice doctorate program. His life was coming together. He was still friends with Haruka, Makoto, and Rin. Rei found that it was comforting hearing from them and knowing that they cared and supported him.

Rei cut off all ties with Nagisa. Well, in reality Nagisa completely stopped talking to Rei. It was for the best.

That's what Rei kept reminding himself. And it was working.

"You okay?" His coworker, Souta asked.

Jumping out of his thoughts, Rei turned to see Souta holding a manila folder over him. Blinking, it took a moment to register that the papers were for him to enter into the computers.

"Ah, yes. Thank you," Rei hastily reached for the documents. He quickly began typing up what was needed into the system.

Feeling Souta still looking over his shoulder, Rei turned back around. He looked up to the hovering man. Watching the way that his brown hair was a little too long in the front. It was beginning to cover his light brown eyes. Souta smiled down at him, licking his chapped lips, obviously embarrassed by being stared at.

Rei suddenly realized that he was staring. "You need a haircut," He settled with saying. It seemed like the safe option to go with.

It was a lot better than saying that he missed the touch of another. It wasn't worth the time. He had better things to be doing with his time. He had to focus on his studies and work.

Souta ruffled his own hair. "Yeah, He grinned, "I've been meaning to do that."

Sheepishly, Rei turned back to the computer. Souta was a fairly handsome man. But Rei knew those thoughts were just a distraction to his job. He felt his face heat up and prayed Souta didn't comment.

"You know," Souta lowered his voice so just Rei could hear, "you're cute when you blush."

Rei coughed and pushed up his glasses. He didn't want to give Souta the satisfaction of knowing that Rei found him attractive. He didn't want to be found attractive. He honestly just didn't have the time for it.

"You have a job to do," The loud click of the keyboard seemed to emphasize Rei's answer.

Souta slinked off back to work. Leaving Rei to do his job. And later Rei went home and studied as he normally did. And the last thoughts of entering into any more pointless relationships were emptied from his mind. He just didn't have that time. Not if it wasn't Nagisa. He'd have to prove himself worthy. But he couldn't do that if he didn't have his own life together.

That incentive made him read an extra chapter of his textbook. He'd make up for every wrong he caused.

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><p><strong>I'm almost certain Rei and Nagisa will do the do. Ha. <strong>

**Thanks for the read!**


	7. happy is the heart that still feels pain

**Happy is the Heart That Still Feels Pains**

Months had passed since Nagisa ended things with Rei. And after sulking about it he decided to take initiative and get back into the dating scene. Not that he was ever really in it. Rei had been his first relationship and he managed to completely ruin that. But Nagisa was optimistic. So he started to go out with various people. Boys from his class asked him out, he asked girls from work out. It was all just for fun. It gave him a sense that he was okay without Rei. And, truthfully, he was okay.

Nagisa's first serious relationship after Rei was a month after they broke up. It was a girl, Yumi, from his history class. She was tall and mousy, a total history buff with round glasses that were too big for her face. Nagisa could listen to her talk for hours. And he did just that. It's how they ended up dating. Then they got to the point where he wanted her to meet his friends.

And that's when Haru, as blunt as he was, pointed out that she was Rei in female form. It was the only time they had mentioned Rei to him since the break-up. Nagisa knew they still talked to him, but his friends remained cautious around the subject. They were letting him bring it up when they Nagisa was ready.

After telling Haru to stop joking around he began to see it. In Yumi's mannerisms, the way she pushed her glasses up, the way she wouldn't leave the library for days, her determination. It was all so Rei. Nagisa broke it off shortly after saying that they were better friends.

Nagisa put a hiatus on dating to focus on school and work. He was feeling good. Life was good.

That was around the time he met Kaoru. His sister had introduced them, apparently tired of seeing Nagisa at home watching movies and drinking her liquor. Kaoru was short, only a couple inches taller than Nagisa, and chubby. He was a chef and Nagisa instantly fell in love with his cooking.

And Haru's only comment was that he was nice.

Kaoru was good to him. And he was good to Kaoru. They had fun together and that's all Nagisa wanted. To have fun with someone who loved him and who he loved.

Nagisa didn't know what he was thinking when he agreed to go celebrate Rin being back in Japan. He probably was thinking about the delicious cake he was eating that Kaoru made. That's what he blamed it on when he walked into the restaurant to meet with his friends. Kaoru in tow as he made direct eye contact with Rei.

Rei only bowed in greeting. Nagisa instantly jumped onto Rin and Gou almost knocking them over. Ignoring the stomach ache he got when he waved at Rei, he introduced his boyfriend. Kaoru shyly bowed to everyone before they sat down.

It was nice catching up. He hadn't seen Rin in years. And Gou was always traveling around Japan it was hard to get a hold of her. He missed his childhood friends. Later into the dinner, Sousuke had showed up. It felt like one big reunion.

Nagisa's belly was warm and full of beer as he bragged to Sousuke about Kaoru, "He makes the best cakes! And his spaghetti is so yummy." All while Kaoru denied by saying that he wasn't that great yet.

His friends laughed way into the night. Nagisa noticed that even Rei had lightened up a bit. It was nice.

Much later in the night they wandered the city. Showing off their favorite places. It was nothing like home, but it was Kaoru's home. Nagisa walked hand in hand with him feeling the buzz from drinking. He pointed out an Izakaya restaurant. Kaoru checked the time and apologized for having to leave early. Nagisa knew he had to wake up incredibly early for work, so he only tried to convince him to stay for an hour. Pouting, Nagisa gave him a kiss goodbye. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Rei stare at the interaction.

"I'll text you when I'm home," Nagisa waved until he couldn't see Kaoru anymore.

The group went into the pub and continued their celebratory night. Nagisa and Gou got cocktails which were equally as sweet with twice the kick. Rin and Sousuke got whiskey. Even Haru ordered a beer. Rei had shochu and Makoto got Sake. Everyone was well into their drinks when Nagisa felt his eyelids get heavy.

"You need me to take you home?" Makoto asked him.

Nagisa pouted and straightened his back. He took the shot glass of Sake from Makoto and swallowed it in one go. He smiled brightly and handed the glass back.

He looked at Rei. They hadn't talked the whole night. Nagisa grinned, tapping his empty cocktail glass, "How've you been?" He was slurring, he knew he was.

Rei's faced looked flushed. "F-fine," He was drunk too. Nagisa could tell.

"Fuck anybody else?" Nagisa felt anger rise in his belly. Or maybe that was alcohol.

"Nagisa," Rin hissed.

But Nagisa was feeling on fire. His head was full of questions. He leaned in, not breaking eye contact with Rei as he asked, "Do any of you want to know why we split?"

Rin kicked him under the table, "No. Now shut-up." He was lying. Of course Rei would tell Rin the full story. Not the others though.

"He fucked his ex," Nagisa said as he picked up some yakitori from the plate in front of him.

The group of friends was silent. Rei covered his face in embarrassment. Haru stood and said his goodbyes, not wanting to be a part of this anymore, and Makoto followed. Nagisa had ruined a good time. If he was sober he probably would care more. He still cares. But right now he's enjoying the way Rei is trying to get out of the situation. He isn't as smooth as Haru. He can't just stand up and walk out.

Rei pushes up his glasses. "I'll make sure he gets home safely," He tells the remainder of the group.

Gou pats Nagisa's back hesitant to get up. Rin and Sousuke usher her out. Leaving Nagisa alone with Rei. Rei pays for Nagisa and Nagisa protests as he lifted from his seat. But Rei is stronger and taller than he is. So he allows himself to be dragged out front.

The early morning air sends chills through his body. Rei places his coat around Nagisa, and Nagisa doesn't fight it. His stomach hurts and the jacket smells so much like Rei. Before Nagisa can stop it tears are falling down his face.

Rei freezes and looks around. He wipes his thumbs against Nagisa's cheeks. Swiping away the tears as they fall. His hands linger.

"I'm sorry," Rei pulls away.

Nagisa sniffles, "No, Rei-chan. I'm sorry. That was mean."

Rei smiles at him with utmost sincerity. And Nagisa can see the bags under his eyes. Starts to wonder how much he's sleeping. Was today the most he's eaten? He's probably been holed up in his room.

They start walking back to Nagisa's in silence. They're both tripping over themselves. Hopelessly drunk and awkward.

"Kaoru-san seems nice."

It takes a moment for Nagisa to realize Rei is talking to him. "Oh, yes! He cooks me my favorite meals all the time."

"You're stomach is easily won over," Rei teases.

Nagisa pokes Rei in the side. "Not everyone is as picky as you," He laughs.

The rest of the walk is filled with mindless chatter, mostly on Nagisa's part. They're able to walk in a straight line now at least. They make it to Nagisa's door faster than either want. Nagisa shifts his weight on his feet.

"You want some tea? To sober up," He quickly adds to the end. Because this is a stupid idea. And surely Rei wouldn't agree.

But he does.

And Rei is entering his house and they're taking off their shoes. Giggling at the fact that they have to stay quiet. The offer for tea is long forgotten. Their hands wander, searching for support as they move to Nagisa's bedroom.

Rei shuts the door and Nagisa bounces onto his bed. They both know it's wrong. But they're both giggly and full of alcohol.

"I'm sorry," Rei repeats as he leans over Nagisa on the bed.

Nagisa doesn't feel a hint of remorse when he feels the familiar touch of Rei's soft lips. They make out, familiarizing themselves with each other. Rei's arms are stiff as they hold him over Nagisa. Nagisa tickles Rei's sides making him laugh and fall on top of him completely. Breathless, they both stare at each other.

This is wrong, one of them whispers. They continue to kiss.

Nagisa unbuttons Rei's shirt. He helps Rei out of it, caressing the his arm muscles. And Rei is mumbling something about his workout routine as he nibbles on Nagisa's neck. He helps Nagisa out of his shirt and pants, pushing their groins together.

They roll over and Nagisa feels in control. He kisses down Rei's neck, leaving marks across his skin. He sucks on his nipple, making Rei buck his hips. He pulls Rei's slacks and boxers off in one go. Rei is already hard and dripping wet with pre-cum.

Nagisa wastes no time and begins to pump Rei. The taller man shudders and groans beneath him. Nagisa digs around in the drawer of his nightstand. He knocks a bonsai tree over in the process. He pulls out a bottle of lube and a condom.

"N-Nagisa," Rei moans as Nagisa pushes slick fingers into him.

This is wrong, Nagisa repeats to himself.

He has a boyfriend. This is exactly what Rei did to him. And it hurt so much.

This feels so good. Rei looking at him as if he's the only person in the world. It feels so good.

His fingers curl and stretch Rei. He's tight. And Nagisa is sure that Rei hasn't done anything since they split. Because Rei falls too easily into his touch.

Rei opens his eyes, looking directly at Nagisa who hasn't stopped watching him since they started. Tears form at the corner of Rei's eyes. He's biting his lip as Nagisa pushes deeper into him.

Nagisa pulls out completely and Rei whimpers at the loss of contact. Nagisa prepares himself before aligning his cock to Rei's entrance.

This is wrong.

Nagisa pushes into Rei. Eliciting moans from him. Rei is sweaty and his legs shake against their place, wrapped around Nagisa's hips. He's beautiful. Nagisa missed Rei. He missed this part of Rei.

Once fully into Rei, he waits. When Rei is no longer panting, he circles his hips. Nagisa loves the noise Rei makes. He pulls out before slamming back into him. Nagisa lifts Rei's legs over his shoulders. He pumps himself into Rei, fast.

It ends too soon. Nagisa is pushing into Rei, releasing himself and screaming Rei's name. He pumps Rei's cock until he comes.

Nagisa throws away the condom and sloppily helps Rei clean up. They fall asleep naked in each other's arms. The last thing Nagisa remembers is a soft whimper from Rei. Another apology muttered as Nagisa squeezes his arms around Rei. Drifting to sleep against Rei's chest.

Nagisa wakes up in a panic. His head hurts and he remembers everything too well. He digs through the pockets of his jeans finding his phone. He has three messages from Kaoru.

Guilt brings a wave a nausea over Nagisa. He shakes Rei awake. Rei smiles until he realizes what situation he's in.

He searches for his glasses and apologizes as he pulls his clothes on. All of their clothes are thrown on the floor. It hurts Nagisa to even look at. Nagisa picks up his boxers and slips into them. He throws his other clothes into his hamper. He urges Rei to leave.

"Nagisa," Rei stands between him and the door. "I'm sorry," He says for the hundredth time.

Nagisa points this out. Then he brings his hands to his face, "Oh, I have to tell Kaoru." He realizes.

Rei hovers awkwardly over him. He doesn't try to comfort Nagisa. Only watches.

"Rei," Nagisa looks up to him. Red-rimmed eyes glistened with tears. He scrunches his brow in an attempt to not cry, "I love you." And he really does.

Rei looks to the floor, "I love you too."

Neither one tries to say anything. Rei doesn't comfort Nagisa. Nagisa doesn't try to make a joke out of it. Because this is serious. This is their life.

Nagisa feels his stomach bubble. It's an ugly feeling. Knowing he hurt somebody who trusted him.

Rei repeats an apology. "We're not good for each other," Rei says in a hushed tone. As if now he's only realizing that they aren't alone in the house. "At least not... not now."

Nagisa watches Rei push up his glasses. He knows he's right.

"I have my life and you have yours," Rei says. It seems as if he's talking to himself more than anything.

"We need to get our act together," Nagisa agrees. Because he knows. He has known that they were still young and figuring things out. They have options to explore.

Options that Nagisa had just cheated on.

"I- I'll see you around," Rei placed a hand on Nagisa's shoulder.

Nagisa stands on his toes to kiss Rei's cheek. "I'll make you proud," He smiles.

"Make yourself proud," Rei rubs the spot that Nagisa kissed. The blush on his cheeks slowly spreads to his ears.

Rei opens the bedroom door to Nagisa's sister on the other side. She glared at Rei then turned to Nagisa. She didn't say anything as Rei bowed and ran out of the apartment.

Hearing the door shut, Nagisa covered his face. He let the tears fall down his face. Everything Rei still lingered in the air around him. His smell, his touch, his voice. It brought Nagisa to his knees.

"I love him," He whispered. Because he did love Rei. He has always loved Rei.

And now it was up to him to prove himself to not only Rei, but to himself. He called Kaoru first thing to tell him he couldn't see him anymore. That was the hardest part. He needed to change. For the better. He was determined to show Rei that he was worth something. Brains, determination, heart, skill. Whatever it took. He was going to prove that he was worth the love he asked for.

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><p><strong>one more chapter. this wasn't supposed to be a story about a bunch of cheating and break-ups omg what have i done. this is trash.<strong>


	8. the fences we mended

**The Fences We Mended**

Rei checked his watch, impatiently. The plane was already twenty-three minutes late. And now he was stuck in a crowded line full of all the people he was going to be crammed together with for the next twelve hours. The trip was already looking like hell.

But Rei had promised to go to watch Rin and Haru in their world competition. He felt a swell of pride wash over thinking about it. A genuine sense of happiness filled his heart. His friends had worked so hard to get to where they were now.

Rei, himself, had worked hard to get to where he was. Over the past few years he had graduated top of his class and became a fairly well known geneticist within the scientific community. Being so young, but still having reached the beginnings of many discoveries.

"How do you do it?" Coworkers and interviewers would always ask.

And his response was the same every time, "I have too much free time." Which they would laugh to.

He did have too much time. He worked too hard. He was barely going to be thirty and he was already so successful. But it wasn't tiring. And it wasn't as if he never found time to date and be social. He made time during holidays for those arrangements. He even dated a couple men here and there. Rei loved his life and his job. But he loved his research more.

Rei boarded the plane and put his small bag in its holding place overhead. He took his seat by the window giving him the ability to control the amount of light he allowed to enter. Rei lifted the curtain and watched the various workers.

Rei spent so much time doing lab work it felt odd watching people. His mind always drifted to theories and his studies.

Knocking him out of his thoughts was a short man barreling down the aisle. The man looked so familiar to Rei. He watched the man look for his seat, being the last one to board the plane made that an easy task.

Sitting down next to Rei with a loud sigh, Rei was hit with a strong scent of bubblegum. With wide eyes of realization, Rei pushed his glasses up. He could only stare in awe as the man took off his bright pink jacket to buckle up.

There was no denying that Rei knew this man. Rei's mind raced with theories surrounding coincidence, chance. Was this coincidence? Or was his mind playing tricks on him?

"I had to run off another plane to this one!" The man pushed his wavy blond hair behind his ear, revealing a golden bird stud earring.

Even after years without hearing that voice, Rei knew it.

"Nagisa?" Rei felt his stomach tighten. A sensation of guilt and excitement gnawed at him. He clenched his fists together in his lap.

Nagisa finally turned to Rei. Mouth hung open at his name being spoken.

"Rei-chan," He whispered.

Fate. That was the only word that ran through Rei's mind. Nagisa was sitting next to him on a twelve hour flight to Europe. And even though his facial features had matured he still looked as bright and bubbly as ever.

They sat in silence as the plane took off. Rei diligently listened to the instructions given about safety.

When he looked back over to Nagisa, he was handed a stick of gum. Nagisa smiled at him but turned away to look at the other people on the plane. When they were able to roam freely Nagisa unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned back in the chair. He pulled out his laptop and began clicking away.

Rei forced himself to speak, "How are you?"

Nagisa turned to Rei and smiled. And Rei knew it was a genuine one as he spoke, "Good and busy."

"Nagisa and busy?" Rei laughed to himself.

It was always interesting how easy it was to talk to Nagisa. Maybe it was due to the intimate nature of their relationship years before. Rei always felt at ease with him. Even if his body language came off as awkward and unsure. It was mainly nerves he tried to brush away.

Nagisa stretched, "What have you been up to?" He shut his laptop.

So Rei told him all about his research with pride. He was happy discussing his work. He always was. But when Nagisa asked about his social life, Rei responded differently for the first time.

"I'm too busy for that."

Nagisa laughed along with Rei.

He excitedly told Rei about his various travels. Nagisa was in a doctorate program for ornithology. He was not shy discussing his school and personal life. And Rei felt his heart flutter hearing Nagisa hadn't dated in almost a year.

Rei calmed himself. There was really no need to get excited over something so trivial.

Their conversation ended up at their mutual excitement for Haru and Rin. They were going to be watching their friends compete in the Olympics. The flight dragged on and when Rei checked his watch they still had six hours.

Rei found himself drifting off to sleep as Nagisa reopened his laptop to play games. He fell completely asleep looking out to the clouds.

And he woke up to the ding signaling that they needed to buckle up for landing. He nervously picked his head up from Nagisa's shoulder. Nagisa yawned and put his belt back on before going back to sleep.

Red in the face, Rei turned back to face the window. He silently got his bag and made his way off the plane. Nagisa followed as they went to pick up their luggage.

"Where are you staying?" Rei asked.

Nagisa pulled his bag up as it circled by, "I don't know yet."

"You don't know?" Rei wasn't shocked, "Many hotels will be booked now," he held his tongue fighting the urge to talk about the influx of tourists especially with the Olympics being held in the city.

"Can I stay with you?" Nagisa asked.

Rei choked on his own spit. "My room only has one bed," Rei pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Not like we haven't shared a bed before," Nagisa stared at his feet.

Giving in far too easily, Rei agreed.

The two got a taxi and used shaky English and written down addresses to get to the hotel. After check in, Rei was pleased that the room had a couch. They could easily arrange it to where one of them slept on the couch for a few nights.

The time spent in Rome was a busy one. The two caught up with Makoto who had managed to meet them in time to see their friends compete. Rei had half expected Nagisa to ask to stay with Makoto but since he didn't bring it up neither did Rei. Instead the three explored the town doing normal tourist things. They ate the popular dishes and visited the busiest places in town.

Rei felt as if he was in high school, exploring with his friends. It was a nice feeling being together again. They hadn't in so long. Watching the Olympic sports with them was a blessing. He felt the warmth of happiness wash over him as he watch Rin and Haru swim for Japan.

On the day of the relay Rei woke up early. He sent a text wishing his friends luck before getting off of the couch. Nagisa was still sleeping in the bed. Rei took that moment to be selfish. He watched Nagisa slowly start to stir awake.

Rei sighed. He was just as beautiful as ever. Blond hair getting a little too long and unruly, childish features slowly fading due to age, yet he still looked young. Nagisa was handsome.

Rei reached out, tempted to brush Nagisa's bangs out of his face. Nagisa opened his eyes and Rei realized where he was. What was he doing?

Rei ran off to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

And what a day it was. The excitement from the pool was felt among the old Iwatobi swim club friends. They smiled and hugged as Haru and Rin raced together. And they had won second. It wasn't first, but that didn't matter. Rei smiled down at his friends. It all felt dream-like cheering for his friends.

Walking back to the hotel Nagisa let out a loud sob. He was bouncing as he walked, talking about the race as if Rei wasn't there. Once in the room Rei took his chance to ask Nagisa if he was okay.

"I'm great! I'm so happy for them, you know?" Rei did know.

"And they worked so hard," Nagisa sat on the bed. "Is this your dream?" He suddenly said.

Rei sat down next to him and nodded. He always wanted to help people, but in a way where he didn't have to deal with people. And his job worked with both. He was good at his job.

Nagisa fell back on the mattress, "Back then," his voice dropped to a whisper, "my dream always involved you."

Rei fell back with him. He turned to face Nagisa and he did the same. "Yeah," Rei's let out in a low voice.

"Yeah," Nagisa said as he inched his face closer to Rei.

They kissed.

It was quick and a shock to both of them. But instead of pulling away, Rei wrapped his arms around Nagisa. And Nagisa swung his leg around Rei. They rolled over, still kissing, so that Nagisa was now on top. Their kisses were long and dragged out. Nagisa ran his tongue against Rei's lips. Who sighed in return, opening his mouth and moaning. Rubbing their hips together, they fell into each other's touch. Rei ran hand around Nagisa's hips, unbuttoning his jeans.

Nagisa slipped out of his pants and helped Rei out of his. They panted, staring at the other's arousal. Nagisa lifted Rei's shirt up, ducking down to tease his nipples. Sighing into the touch he gave a soft tug at Nagisa's length.

Rei flipped them so he would be on top. He moved down, kissing Nagisa's chest and stomach. And put all of his cock into his mouth. Slowly sucking and licking at his erection. Nagisa shook under him.

"R-Rei-chan!" He let out before coming.

Rei swallowed his release, and moved back up giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

Nagisa smiled before scooting down. He urged Rei to scoot up until he was practically sitting on Nagisa's face. And Nagisa put his tongue to work. Licking at his cock and balls. Dragging his tongue to his hole. Nagisa kissed his thighs before taking Rei into his mouth. Giving Rei full advantage to fuck his face. Which he did.

And he didn't take long to come.

It had been too long for either of them.

The two ended up spending the remainder of their two days together in the hotel room. Talking, fucking, and more talking. It turned out that Nagisa was living in Kyoto, having moved there a year ago, while Rei lived in Tokyo. They were too far to ever run into each other. But Nagisa promised to call when they got back. And Rei wasn't about to say that he couldn't do that.

They even called Haru and Rin to congratulate them together. Which they both had to sit through Rin teasing and asking extremely personal questions that made Rei blush.

Nagisa's went back home first. Leaving Rei feeling lonely for the first time in years. He spent his last few days playing tourist. Finding himself picking out trinkets that he knew Nagisa would like. It was irrational to buy so much stuff, but he ended up leaving the country with an extra suitcase.

And he was off back home. With Nagisa's number in his phone and a familiar feeling in his chest. Rei knew and lived with that same feeling for years when he was younger. He had a crush. Like a teenager, Rei squirmed in his seat thinking about the blond.

He liked Nagisa.

* * *

><p><strong>ugghhhh this is garbage. one more chapter i think.<strong>


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